Honesty

Hello there everybody. It's 3.09 am and I am here to talk about something very important that I believe and feel that I should share/talk/discuss about. I don't know if anyone reads this space but it's such a nice and clean space to share my thoughts and views and what I've learnt. It also motivates me very much when I share my thoughts to actually do as I think and do as I write and acting upon something is such a rich and respectable thing.

Anyway, we all have the tendency to lie to ourselves about things to stay in the safety zone. Okay not safety zone but to be in our comfort zone for god knows how long. And sometimes our comfort zone will coupe us up rather than open us up and then that's when you know that your comfort zone has become your danger zone. especially when rapid and huge changes are happening in your comfort zone, indicating that it's time to get out. and that's when you really have to get out. and obviously once you get out, things will get fucking out of hand and the process might vary. it might be short for others it might be long for others. and the process would involve loads of what the fuck moments, loads of okay this feels good moments, a lot of weird voids in your heart moments, and moments of contentment but when you think about it, it makes you more aware of feelings and situations and more pro active to what you have to do. Okay i'm going too deep into the process, but the process is the most important part ever, the process makes you understand and the process pushes you and when it pushes you you really have to go with the push, get the fuck out there and act upon it because no one would act or help you on being fucking better other than your own fucking effort, and your own heart. you can't be stubborn and you can't stay in fucking comfort. wouldn't you back and body hurt from lying down on the fucking couch? you've got to move, you've got to swing your arms, youve got to look far and then near you've got to shake things off and you've got to breathe new air. and that is what the process of becoming is all about. it's about putting yourself into the unknown and experiencing all of this pain, all of this uneasiness, all of this contentment, all of this "okay life is gonna be okay and life is okay." it's also about realizing the people who love you it's realizing the need to balance your elements. it's to find the truth and it's to increase your faith in where life and god brings you.

But what I'm here to advice, and what I need to learn is to learn to not to lie to yourself. You won't get anywhere when you lie to yourself. It's horrible if you have loved ones who have lied to you, I don't know if I've experienced that, but I hope I don't in the future. Or in the present. But it's worse if you lie to yourself. Because it's you and you are you and it's horrible if you live a lie about how you're supposed to live your life or how your life is like now. You have to be honest. If you think your life suck, tell yourself it does. But remember to work and to take the best out of the truth and work on it. Work so hard for your own life that you're able to take the truth and make the fucking best out of it. Tell yourself. Tell yourself that you're not happy but be honest with the courage you gather and be honest about how you make it better. That's so fucking beautiful. You really have to be honest with yourself. If you realize that you have been living for others and for people who now don't give a shit about you, work on it. Realize that you have no space for people who don't give a shit about it. Realize that it hurts, realize that you feel anger but realize that you can't have those feelings in you, be honest that you know deep down you're better than that. Be honest with yourself, but avoid ever feeling sorry for yourself. But i believe that once you're honest with yourself, self pity is away man, and self pity is off. Why? because you're fucking dealing with yourself and youre fucking slapping yourself with the honest truth and you're fucking manning up to yourself and that's beautiful.

I'm learning so much and it's crazy. And I hope from the bottom of my heart that I'm implying whatever I am learning. But I believe in my heart that I am because I am so excited. I do get worried about how I will feel the next day, I do worry about what will trigger my mind set and my feelings, but then again, I am in love with the honesty in my life and I am in love in how I am honest with myself about how I am in the situation around me. It's true, the truth hurts. It hurts so much but you can never ever run away from it. Even if you do run away from it, it'll eventually reveal itself to you. Be enthusiastic about being honest, and be enthusiastic in achieving for the better. Even if there's no such thing as better or worse, but better just feels so good. Have a vision on what you wish to achieve and be so honest with yourself about it. Be honest to the people around you too. Never lie. A lie leads to another lie and you'll be in a mess. Love live and live with honesty.

You can do it, I can do it. Look at the bigger picture. Whatever shit you're going through now, it might be horrible and it might feel like a huge part of your life and it is. But remember, we can always break through from things if we just fucking let go and venture out into the present. Step the fuck out of your comfort zone, feel fucking uneasy and try to make it right. And do it over and over again. Be excited on living life in the edge. Be excited about falling into mistakes. But fall inlove with honesty, fall inlove with kindness.

Good night :-)

It's ok to whine once in a while right? I'm just pretty bumped because I have been looking forward for this Architectual thingy that my dad paid for me to for with him. But I just got my blood test results back and apparently I have dengue I mean not apparently.. But I do have dengue and I have to be hospitalized and all that jazz and it just makes me feel abit crushed cz I was looking forward so much to go for the forum to listen and to gain knowledge and inspiration. But I guess some things are beyond your control and you've just gotta accept things as it is and know that things will get better sooner or later and brighter days are yet to come. Better safe than sorry!! Luckily I went to get my blood test checked just now and not take it for granted. I'm glad that I know now but just bumped that I can't make it for the forum that's all. But I've been surrounded by love and care and have been trying to be strong. Life is good. I am blessed.

I hope I can find and feel the light again soon. Isn't the word "light" such a lovely word? It could mean the opposite of heaviness and also the opposite of darkness. I am capable. I really am :-) I just want to give love and share love like it's over flowing in me. Because it is. Because we all are!

Am down with a supa dee dupa high fever which I find funny and kinda eventful in a way cz I hardly ever fall sick ever! But I am super duper grateful with the love I have around me and the care that is over and ever flowing. I am beyond grateful and can't wait to heal in order to get back on track and help back and do my duty as a Zoe Kan :-) I am beyond grateful. Just wanna show gratitude to the peepo who knows that I'm not feeling well and are showing their concerns and mum and dad whose love are unconditional. I am so blessed and grateful. I hope to heal ASAP! Nanight x

Decided to draw my future cheese block house :-) B-)

Twinkle sand

Today was good. I woke up and made avocado toast and dealt with application stuff. Then my aunt picked mum and me up to go to dad's office for Raya lunch. Talked to my aunt about her life in uk cz she said it was the most meaningful time for her and I was curious. 

I guess peaks of exaggerated changes are when you feel like life is meaningful because you learn and you put in action to things. But I also believe that one should always make life somewhat meaningful. Enjoy long walks on the edge, you know? 

Then after that hung out with dad at a coffee shop while mum did her hair. I've been reading the book I just bought. I tend to have to re read the whole chapter again after the first time. Idk whether it's some ADHD thing that I can't concentrate but then after that I'll be able to continue reading page by page! 

And then I had a nice talk with dad about Malaysia... Man this country. People of Malaysia shouldn't and I repeat shouldn't be oblivious towards what is happening to this country. I won't elaborate but it's power and his power is worthless and he has power by post but at the end of the day I imagine him waking up with a heavy heart for the things he has done to this country. I learnt a lot about justice today. 

Went for Japanese dinner I love Japanese food. There was this lady who was really nice who owned the restraunt and I really did like her character a lot. 

Came back, and went for a walk. Spotted a musang (not the car lol) spotted a snail, spotted a dead frog and also a live baby frog hopping. Listened to the insects in their own orchestra. Thank you. 

I'm off to bed now :-) today was a blessing. I feel a lil' bit off but it's ok. I live by the day (or at least I hope I do)

I like going for walks

I like visuals and things that make you feel something without "saying" anything 

I like having coffee when I really do need it

I like listening to music and even better with a good sound system and ear phones

I like laughing with people

I like shared sense of humor 

I like little nudges 

I like finishing an artwork and the process of it

I like album covers and asking about the album 

I like movies that make you think, reflect and review (don't all movies do that lol)

I like good food

I like having a big glasses of water and green tea 

I like a friendly debate and then having to agree to disagree 

I like spectacles and how they are part of you but then again no

I like how colours go, and sometimes they don't. How patterns go and sometimes they don't. How shapes go but then they don't.

I like it when preferences is at ease.

I like it when justice is served.

I like it when things are done so gracefully.

I like it when you accidentally find something at unexpected areas :-)

To be honest I am very simple to please and to enchant! I like a lot of things but it's very therapeutic writing down things you like and adore.

Gift from God I swear

Oh my goodness!! The joy of living. I've always wanted a Bob Dylan poster. Ok la not always wanted but recently just decided to write it down on my wish list cz I have been listening to him a lot. Especially "Mr Tambourine Man". And then I was listening to records and recently we bought a new Bob Dylan one and I saw this thingy and was like hmm what is this is this a poster yes it's a poster omg it's a poster!!!! Living is such joy :-) 

Tricycles

Hello everybody or maybe hello anybody! Anyway mmm maybe I'll talk about my day today because it's nice writing down about what you did today on a blank space because it is just nice. Right? Don't you think it's nice talking about what you did today even though you did nothing? 

I woke up and prepared breakfast with mum. Had a lovely breakfast with mum and dad.. OMG so hard to remember what I did today to be honest. I remember playing with Otis! Maybe cz there wasn't anything specifically distinctly different that I did today really. I washed the dishes uh yeah. Oh ya I watched documentAris on Charles and Ray Eams. Basically this design duo who shaped the design world. Super inspiring :-)

after that I had lunch and then went out with Mao aka Lim and it has been almost a year since we caught up! And we had such a good conversation. Nourishing I can say. Sharing point of views, experiences, changes, life, what we learn from it. Advices and all of that. And things like that are important and they really really do add up to your growth and perspective to things. We both enjoyed it a lot :-) 

Oh yeah last night we went over to Mike's house to surprise him. It was lovely seeing familiar faces.

Okay then I got back, had dinner, washed the dishes. It's bloody therapeutic I swear. Washing that sht scrubbing it and drying it. I could do it forever if washing dishes was my job. My god.

Anyway after that I went to bible study with mum n dad n talked and ya I'm back now. 

Gonna maybe watch a show or draw or make art or listen to music or smth ltr. Who knows no one knows. 

But today was good and lovely. Tmrw will be too! Have a lovely day everyone :-) maybe I'll share more about Charles and Ray Eams tmrw. Tata :-) 

To the hearts, to the soul

I am never too much

Nor will I ever be too little

For I am beauty in the existence of the Most High

I am allowed happiness

The meaning of euphoria

Feelings of lightness and beauty

Feed your soul, 

Feed your face with eternal glow,

That throughout your day is a constant growth

Shine! For you still stand when you have been broken inside 

Felt small

Felt close to nothing 

You have been sorry for yourself.

Forgive yourself, forgive your soul.

My dear. So dear.

There is one of you. Only one. 

You are beauty created by the Most High.

So holy, so magnificent.. I can't describe. 

You are beauty.

You are strong.

Hmm

I had a panic about my art. It's a weird thing. But what exactly is it? Is there a reference to it? What inspires me? What brings me to it? Am I enthusiastic about anything? What is it that inspires me? 

"Zoe you think too much. You're too analytical." And I can't help it :-(

But then again. That's the beauty in creativity. It's up for the viewer to decide. And me as the artist/producer/creator to my own works, I will accept and continue doing and being.

Bubye :-)

If only I could walk as far as my mind wanders I would be a WORLD TRAVELLER OMGGGGGGGG

Tiles on walls

Damn ugh I wrote a post today halfway about today but it wasn't saved anyway I'll just rewrite it again. Same thing but diff thing in a way I guess -.- but it's ok so :-) 

Anyway ya it was raining today so it felt freaking awesome especially if you can sleep in n when the A C is on and when it's cozy as being engulfed by cushion... Cozy as a rainy morning I guesssasssss Mmm made breakfast had fresh juice n banana today went to da office w dad read my book and did some persoective draeings perspective drawings* according to given plans and elevations which was pretty interesting and fun!!!!!!!! 

!!!!!!!!!

Came back read more then what else I guess ya I read and then I marked my dungaree on where to cut cz Imma alter them tmrw I guess I hope I mean I will! And then Jerome came over to pick me up for da gym in was a sausage fest but I didn't feel like a vulnerable bun lol so it's ok did gym stuff I guess had coffee at the gym (ya I love the free caffeine!!!') then went to the Mamak had a nice talk w jasmine n jerome I have a lot of friends whose name starts with J just realized lol 

It was nice jasmine came to pick me up to go out with sanjeeva and mindy mindy's cousin and then they were gonna get their mani and padi done!!! But I skipped cz I don't rrly go out doing mani and padi id prefer DIYing them and I'm quite pleased of the 2 dots (aka nail polish that can't come out) on both my thumb nails lol might keep that as a thing!!

So ya dad and mum picked me up cz I should have dinner with them and got groceries I bumped into an old friend Yu yin! Which was nice!! I wonder if it's ok to type names here in a way but it's ok I guess don't think anyone reads this. And then we talked and caught up for abit which was nice.

Got back to the car. 

Got back home.

Unloaded the groceries.

Played with Otis.

Went to have a dump lol

Or am I having one now

Uhhhhhhhh ya made green tea I'm gonna shower and finish my book 2 more chapters I'm so excited for the end but sad. Ya that's it really.

Listening to David Bowie on the vinyl with my mum and dad now :-) whatta man

Today was great tmrw will be great :-) have a good day everyone and remember to keep yourself hydrated bye :-) 

What is a Johor

Gonna stArt taking landscape pics but it's ok. Anyway ytd was chill dad set up the vinyl player and I played my KOOL AND THE GANG. went out with HALS she my homie so we talked about everything n did anything aka the things best friends will do I rapped abit LOL had fun. Listened to MF DOOM n krunked kidding not really. Next day aka today I walked to jasmines house and found a freaking deAD baby snake on the freaking road. But it's ok (RIP reptilian) and then went to town to eat I bought a book bumped into mindy's parents her mum said I've turned into a lady T.T not really I still am a disgusting boy went for a run gonna go for dinner I plan to watch a movie tonight. More tmrw goodbye! :-) 

Today was great! Tmrw will be better :-) 

Yaaaa

Ok introduction just gonna post pics and what I did today cz I realize I really do like doing those stuff n other random stuff :-) 

Have a good day ahead!